Never Feeling Adequate

I never feel important. Not to anyone. Sometimes even to myself.

When the people who are supposed to love you the most don’t show it, it takes a toll over time. Family, friends, and especially romantic relationships. How am I supposed to love myself if no one else can even love me? How can I love myself when others feel like I’m to much? How can I love myself when all I’ve been shown is the opposite?

There are so many days since my first trauma occurred that I question myself. Why do I not feel adequate? Even through the greatest of times? The answer is simple. Trauma.

My feeling of being less than others stems from the many traumas I’ve endured. Because of certain things that have occurred in my life, I often times chose negativity instead of positivity. Without even trying. My heart is now so big I feel the need to help people. I’m a way I wish others would have helped me. This causes me to attract people who may not be a good fit for my current life.

It causes me to put others before myself. It causes me to get lost in others issues and put mine on the back burner. And when those same actions I’m giving are taken advantage of, I question myself.

I should question myself, but not in the aspect that I’m not adequate. I’m more than enough for myself, others, and this world. I need to question what kind of people I’m attracting. I need to question what I should change to make myself feel adequate again. I need to put myself first and stop questioning who I am.

My trauma may have caused toxic qualities that are hard to overcome. But I have control over that. I can work on myself. I can continue to push forward and break the toxic cycles that were created. I can choose a better life.

I am beautiful, worthy, and meant to do great things. So are you. No one should feel less than. The people who truly love you, the ones that care the most, will show you that. More importantly you should show yourself that. Life isn’t just the difficult times. Life should also be filled with beauty. So chase that beauty. You’re adequate. So prove it to yourself and those around you.


Three Pieces of Advice for Someone Who’s Experienced Trauma

Trauma is something that changes your mind body and soul. How do you move forward after experiencing traumatic events? This article will cover three pieces of advice to help cope and recover from damaging events.

1. Seek Counseling or Professional Help

When coming out of a negative situation it can be hard to contemplate how you’re feeling. You may experience multiple different emotions, and you may not feel like you have someone to talk to about these feelings. Letting these thoughts fester will not help you move forward from the trauma you have experienced.

Talking to a counselor or physiatrist gives you an option to vent to a third party without judgment. While it may be nice to talk to family or friends in your time of need, it may help you feel more comfortable opening up to a professional.

This enables you to get the weight off your shoulders, and possibly get further assistance (medication, additional resources, etc.).

2. Deal with your Emotions

After experiencing trauma, it can feel easier to brush your emotions under the rug. Doing this long term can affect your mental and physical health. Suppressing your feelings can cause migraines, heart issues, anxiety, depression, and can even put you at higher risk for cancer.

It is important to understand that you will experience many different emotions after experiencing traumatic events. That is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. In order to cope with these strong emotions some things you may be able to do are:

3. Find Yourself (Self Love)

I think this is the most important piece of advice for a trauma survivor. No matter what type of trauma you may have experienced, you often lose yourself amid the events, and even after when you are trying to cope with what happened.

Remind yourself daily that you matter and that your life isn’t over because of these horrific events that have occurred. Self-love is very important and needs to be taken seriously. Speak kind words to yourself throughout the day and partake in activities that bring you joy. Such as traveling, reading a good book, taking a long bath, go back to school, or even just watching a good movie are all activities that may help give your sense of self back. Take the time to remind yourself of what makes you happy and what direction you would like your future to go.


Learning to Love after Trauma

Trauma scrambles your brain. It leaves scars that last a lifetime. You might begin to heal, but you will never forget the pain you endured. It will affect all of your decisions and relationships. How do you learn to build a relationship after all that you have been through?? After experiencing trauma it may be difficult to trust someone, let alone with your heart.

1. Learn to Love Yourself

In order to build a healthy relationship it is important that you begin to love yourself first. If you do not respect yourself, how can you expect someone else to?

A good way to start might be taking care of yourself. Waking up early to get a little alone time, going to the gym, or maybe even beginning to eat a bit healthier. Just starting to do things that make you feel better about who you are.

Go out with your friends, take that trip you’ve been dreaming of, or even buy that beautiful home you’ve been looking at for the last few months. Do what you truly want to be doing. You do not need a relationship to be happy. Wouldn’t you rather find happiness first, and the share that with your future partner??

2. Don’t Settle

Often times after we experience unhealthy relationships we still gravitate toward that in the future. We feel like we are not good enough to be truly loved by someone adequate . So we settle for what’s in front of us. No matter how many red flags we may see.

Look for a person who lifts you up instead of tears you down. Someone who always has your best interest at heart, and will never leave your side. Even when things get hard.

Find that person that has goals for the future. That wants to see success for not only them selves, but for you. A partner in crime rather than a controlling, toxic individual that you will never be able to grow with.

3. Let Yourself Trust

Trauma causes so many issues. Issues that you will deal with for the rest of you life. But you need to trust the partner you are with.

Do not hold actions from your past against them. In a relationship, trust is the most important aspect. If you cannot learn to trust, the relationship will eventually become toxic. Remind yourself that even in those moments of doubt that you chose this person to be your other half. If they have not given you a reason to doubt, you should have no reason to doubt.

4. Moments of Weakness

Nobody is perfect. Even people that have had a seemingly easy life. So for someone that has seen such horrors, it can be hard to stay strong.

You will have your moments of weakness. But if you are with a person who truly loves you they will completely understand. On those days that it feels impossible to have a normal life try to remember where you started. How far you have made it. You are STRONG. YOU ARE BEUTIFUL. YOU DESERVE AN AMAZING LIFE. Do not let anything hold you back.



For the past four years I have struggled with eating disorders. It started with me being overweight. Once I realized that I had gained a substantial amount of weight I started to panic. I was franticly trying to figure out ways to shed the pounds. I cut my portions. I started eating healthier. I even started becoming more active. But then I became obsessed. Obsessed with having the perfect body.

I liked the control over my life that I was feeling. If I ate a certain amount or worked out for a few hours a day I could achieve what I thought was perfection. I soon came to realize that I could never have the perfect body. That I would never be exactly where I wanted to be. There would always be something about my looks that I wanted to change.

Over time I wasn’t the only one that saw the weight loss. Everyone began to notice. It was empowering. Until it wasn’t. Eventually I wasn’t getting compliments. I was getting criticized for how thin I was. I could not see it. I thought that I was still over weight. Every time I looked in the mirror I saw that chubby girl that needed to change. I honestly just thought that they were jealous.

The healthier choices that I had started making turned into very unhealthy choices. I was no longer cutting portions, I was skipping meals. I was working out multiple times a day for multiple hours of the day. I would refuse to eat anything that wasn’t a “healthy food”. I would even get to the point that I couldn’t see straight. I was so hungry!!! But I absolutely refused to eat. Unless it was necessary (what I thought was necessary).

Eventually this turned into me binge eating. I would starve myself for so long I couldn’t handle it anymore. I remember eating whole pizzas! Like, large pizzas! This would then lead to panic and guilt. I started to make myself throw up whatever I had eaten. That way I would hopefully not gain any weight from all the food I had just devoured. This was the lowest point in my life. These disorders were affecting not only me, but everyone around me. It affected all of the decisions I made, everywhere I went, and everything I did.

I finally had a breakthrough thanks to an amazing friend. I moved in with her for a while and she saw that I was struggling. She kindly FORCED me to eat. Made sure that I was getting something in my system. She showed me that it was okay to enjoy myself. That I could indulge in some “unhealthy” foods. That life was more than just being skinny or perfect. It’s about being healthy and HAPPY!!!! This began my journey to loving my body (body positivity).

So, what is body positivity??

It is having a positive outlook on your appearance and accepting yourself as you are. For all of your flaws. It is being okay with the acne on your chest or the stretch marks on your thighs. Accepting that you do not have a flat stomach, and loving yourself anyway.

Why its important..

We grow up watching flawless actors and actresses on TV. We envy their perfect looks. We are taught that stretch marks, acne, and love handles are not attractive. If you have any of these things as a young adult you are often times bullied. You are made to feel like you are not good enough. This simply isn’t true. Our worth is measured by more than our physical appearances. What makes up our heart and souls is what’s truly important.

Body Positivity is so important because it helps us realize that we can be happy just the way we are. We do not need to have movie star looks to have a good life. You do not need to be Instagram ready all the time. You can actually relax! Enjoy a bowl of pasta. Go run errands without any make up on. The only person you need to impress at the end of the day is yourself. Nobody else really matters. As long as you can look in the mirror at the end of the day and feel proud. Who cares what others think?


Letting Positivity into Your Life- ONE STEP AT A TIME

Often times as humans we get caught up in all of the negativity surrounding us. Your constantly thinking about all the bills that are pilling up, all the laundry you have to do, how you wish you had more support from the people you love, and so much more. Life can get overwhelming. And often times we forget to build ourselves up instead of tearing ourselves down. Here are some steps that I have found helpful in letting positivity into my life.

1. Give yourself a break

We need to remind ourselves that our sanity is more important than that pile of laundry. That we are aloud to take a break and breath. We do not need to feel guilty that a task or two did not get done. We live in a world were we are constantly busy. There is always something on the to do list. It can often times take a toll on the way we view ourselves at the end of the day. By taking a break you have given yourself a brief moment away from all the craziness. A moment to reflect and gather your thoughts.

2. Speak words of affirmation (to yourself)

It is easy to look in the mirror and find flaws that we dislike. It is really easy to find flaws not just in our appearance, but within ourselves. I used to tell myself things like: “I really need to loose a few pounds“, or “I can’t do that“. Words that seem like no big deal in the moment, but make a large impact over time. It is important that we remind ourselves that we are beautiful. That we are capable of anything we set our minds to. So in those moments that you are frustrated, try thinking positive. Like: “I might not have achieved this goal today, but I can try again tomorrow” , or “These stretch marks came from growing my children. I should be proud to wear them”. Even though this is not an easy task for many, even starting small will impact how you feel over time.

3. Focus on YOU!

This step is the most important (in my opinion). It is easy to loose yourself in all the hustle and bustle that comes along with life. We often put all of our energy into our parenting, jobs, significant others, etc. We need to remember to put some energy into OURSELVES. Sitting back and thinking about what we want in OUR lives. Where we want to see our future selves, hobbies we want to start, and trips we want to take. By focusing on yourself you will be able to start seeing the future more clearly. You will also have things to look forward to and be excited about. I guarantee that by taking the “me” time, it will give you a more positive outlook on life.

New year, new you??

With the new year right around the corner it is the perfect time to take these steps and apply them into your everyday life. Will you take a moment and breath? Remind yourself of your worth? Or start to redirect some of your focus onto yourself? How will you incorporate these steps into you life in the new year?


For the last year I’ve been dealing with the worst anxiety and depression I’ve ever experienced. As many of you know I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and have struggled with eating disorders in the past. Part of coming from a traumatic past is dealing with the hurt and heartbreak that has occurred, apparently even years later.

As many of you know my marriage ended in the last few years. I will not address the entirety of the situation publicly due to his and my kids privacy. But what I will say is it has effected me in more ways than I expected. Our relationship was extremely toxic on both sides. I could no longer put myself or children through the heartbreak of it all.

Once things ended I WORKED on myself. I called myself out in my bullshit and began holding myself accountable. I was happy, free, and thriving. Then I met someone special.

Little did I realize that moving forward and building a new life would be so hard. You see.. I was ready mentally to move forward. At least I thought. But many traumatic events from my past began to haunt me. Including my events from my marriage. Unfortunately the events that occurred were much worse than I let myself feel. The entirety of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks, and ever since, I’ve been fighting. Fighting to relearn behaviors, understand the difference between the truth and what my brain has conjured up, and struggling to feel like MYSELF. The outgoing, open, honest, and strong woman I was (AM) began to disappear. After all of the years of trauma, it finally caught up to me in it’s entirety.

After a year full of struggle, pushing people away, having anxiety attacks that last DAYS at a time, not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, I’ve decided I’m done. I’m done being so mentally exhausted.

I have experienced more in my 24 years on this planet than most people could understand. Unfortunately that comes with some repercussions I have no control over. But there are situations that I CAN control. From here on out I’m going to start letting go and living. I deserve to live a beautiful life. Regardless of the mistakes I’ve made, I know I’m an incredible woman. I take ownership, change, and move forward. So I’m going to continue to do so.

For anyone else that has gone through mental health issues, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Life can feel like a whirlwind of emotions. But you can still be happy. Still love, learn, laugh, and experience a healthy life. But in order for that to happen sometimes you have to get out of your own way, let go of control, and just live.

I’m am blessed with the most beautiful people in my life. I’m blessed with people who love and support me. And most of all I’m blessed to even be living half the life that I have after my trauma.

So I’m going to keep pushing forward like I always have. Think what you want about me, listen to what others say behind my back, and go ahead and judge. But I’m going to keep living regardless.

You’ll be seeing more of my face. ❤️ Here’s to letting go and letting life just happen.

When Brokenness Fuels Your Fire..

I’m broken. More so than most people. My life has been a roller coaster ride since I can remember. While there are so many good times, there are so many bad. These bad times have lead to grief, bad decision making, trauma, eating disorders, etc.

I am broken. I am bruised. I feel a sense of hurt everyday. My past effects me physically and mentally on a daily basis.

I am broken. But I want more out of life. I want more good days than bad. I want relief. I want beauty. I want peace.

So while I am broken, I let that brokenness fuel my fire. I let my flaws push me towards a future. A future of hope, strength, and comfort. I let that brokenness create a better person. A person that learns from the past, and doesn’t dwell in it. A person that fights.

Everyone is a little broken. Let your demons fuel your fire. Let yourself flourish.

Don’t Live Emotionless

My entire life I have been an “emotional” person. I have always spoken my mind and I have always been passionate. Passionate when it comes to my relationships, friendships, my future, etc. But I have always been told that my “passion” was too much. That I needed to learn how to watch what I say, and that I need to keep my “passion” under control.

So I began trying to hide my emotions. I built walls in order to hide how I was truly feeling from the world. While I still tried to speak my mind, I held my tongue in order to protect others feelings. I changed who I was as a person to conform to societies standards.

While respect is huge in my book, I feel like “holding your tongue” is a form of deceit. Protecting someone’s feelings is not always what they need. It is actually rarely what one needs. If you are making a mistake, wouldn’t you want those closest to you to bring that to your attention? If you were about to make a poor financial decision, wouldn’t you want someone to call you out? Hiding the truth or even your opinion is deceitful to the people around you, and even yourself. In life there will be times that you need someone to hit you with the cold hard truth. So why does society want people to “hold their tongue” when it isn’t going to get anyone anywhere positive?

If you’ve read this far you may not agree with what I am saying, and that is okay. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. But let me answer the question. Society is built on the basis that emotions mean weakness. That honestly may bring out that weakness (emotions). Everyone has this idea that staying strong means that we have to be emotionless. That we have to pick up and move on before we even have a chance to process how we are feeling. This causes a society that is cold to the ones they love and their communities.

For whatever reason this is how the world has been trained. But this is not how it should be. Humans have feelings for a reason. Without feeling, the world would be a dull and colorless place. Without emotion we would not have beauty. Without honestly, we would continue to make mistakes without asking ourselves if we should change our ways.

At the peak of my eating disorders I needed honestly. I needed someone in my life that was brave enough to get me to see the darkness that was surrounding me. The one person that was brave enough to call me out changed my entire life. Changed the way I view the world, and definitely changed the way I live my life today.

You see, today I am a fearless woman. Today I am unafraid to speak my mind regardless of scrutiny. Today I can proudly say that I am an “emotional” person. I am unafraid to cry, scream, grieve, or even love. This is because emotion is human. Being aware of your emotions is a strength that cannot be touched. While others may judge your for being a “passionate” person, I can promise your life will be more fulfilled when you stop listening to those people. There is a way to be honest while showing compassion. There is a way to feel your emotions in a productive way. Do not conform to societies standards. Let you “passion” run free. Be yourself. Because you are beautiful, you are strong, and you are worthy.

Photo by Snapwire on Pexels.com

Choose to Move Forward

Nobody is perfect. There are flaws even within the most beautiful people. It’s apart of being human. We often times see these flaws and accept them as part of ourselves. Which is true in most cases, But there are toxic traits that we all carry that can be changed.

Do not ever accept the darkness that can overcome you at times. We are all born with the potential to achieve great things. Sadly, many people accept their circumstances and toxicity. Leaving them in a vicious cycle they will never leave.

Always CHOOSE to move forward. Even when you hit rock bottom. Especially when you start to lose hope. The only way you can truly live a happy life is by taking responsibility for your actions and choosing to move forward in a positive way.

Photo by Noelle Otto on Pexels.com

See Your Worth

Today was a rough eating disorder day. When I’m stressed out I begin to shut down. I begin to stop eating. Not because I’m unhappy with my body but because I’m falling into unhealthy habits. Stress got me here the first time and I can see it taking me there again.

I know I’m worth more than that. I know my body deserves love. And that doesn’t mean starving it. This evening I looked in the mirror and saw somebody who was worthy. Worthy of love, sacrifice, and a healthy life. I didn’t see the stretch marks, scars, or imperfections. Rather someone who has made it out of the most difficult situations alive. Not only alive, but healthy.

Even on the days you feel unworthy, look in the mirror and remind yourself where you started. Remind yourself of your beauty. And definitely remind yourself that you deserve more.

“Choose everyday to forgive yourself. You are human, flawed, and most of all, worthy of love.” – Alison Malee

Moving Forward

It’s so easy to stay in a situation your not necessarily happy with. You get comfortable. The thought of picking up and moving forward is terrifying. You don’t want your life to be uprooted.

Even though all of those feelings are valid, part of growing is knowing when to move forward. Learning how to leave a toxic environment even though it may be what you’re used to. The only person who is holding you back is yourself.

Take a step forward and not backwards. Be selfish, motivated, and fearless. It may be difficult in the beginning, but your gut always tells the truth. Following your instincts will be worth it in the end.

Don’t forget that I Love You

I remember holding you for the first time. So many emotions came over me. Fear, excitement, and most of all love. The kind of love that you cannot replace. I knew that regardless of what the future held, I would fight to give you the best life possible.

There were times that we struggled and all I could do was cry. Just hoping and praying for your sake that we would make it through. I had to muster up every bit of courage I had. There was no giving up. I didn’t just have myself to take care of anymore. I had you.

I still have you. You are my motivation. Every day you grow older and accomplish something new. It’s a reminder how fast time goes by. Eventually I will no longer hear your contagious laugh or your feet running through the house. You will be all grown up living your own life.

I’ve spent many nights worrying if I was raising you right. If I was to hard on you or if I should have spent five more minutes watching cartoons with you. Even now I question myself. “ What could I have done better?”. In all reality I could be better for you. And I know that. But I have always tried my best. I may not always succeed but I will keep fighting for you everyday of my life.

I hope that when you are grown you have a strong foundation to build you future from. You will do the right thing (most of the time). And you will be able to make it farther in life than I ever could. But most of all I hope you remember how much I love you.

Dear Body,

I am beginning to finally love you. But today has been rough. Lately the confidence has been pouring out of me. Sadly, today when I looked in the mirror, I despised you.

I looked at every bruise, crevice, and scar. I forgot for a moment what meaning every imperfection has. Every bruise is a testament to you keeping me safe. Every crevice has been gained from years of eating disorders, babies, and surgeries. Every scar is from all of the hardships we have made it through together.

Sometimes all I can see are the imperfections. But at the end of the day, I see beauty. Inside and out. Thank you Body. You’re are beautiful, you’re are strong, and you’re are worthy. ❤️

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