Wow, my first blog. I honestly would have never thought that I would do something like this. When you grow up in a toxic environment you don’t really think about the future to much. Your really just focusing on how your going to get through each day. Now that I am older and I have started building a life for myself, I have time to finally think about what I want the rest of my life to look like. This also means that I can focus on love. Re-training my brain to love my body, mind, soul, and others.
A peek into my past
My childhood was not a bad one. I honestly had a pretty decent childhood. My mother had been married a couple of times, but finally met a good man. They both tried their hardest for my brothers and I. Making sure that we never really heard them argue or bicker. They made sure that we had everything we needed and wanted. What more can you truly ask for??
I was about eleven when things started heading south. I remember my mom started drinking a little bit heavier every day. She would constantly lock herself in her room and play depressing music. Even at that age I was extremely worried. I absolutely adored my mother. I just wanted to see her happy. This increase in drinking caused her and my step father to argue more than ever. At this point in time I was worried, but never would have imagined what was to come in the next few years.
When I turned twelve I met a boy….. To make a long story short I thought I was in love. In all actuality I was just trying to fill a void that I had in my life. I was missing the love and attention that I used to get from my mother. Neither my mother or step father approved of this relationship. Obviously because I was still a child. It wasn’t even a relationship. It was infatuation. They tried their best to protect me. But I was young and determined to do the opposite of what my parents asked of me.
Right before my thirteenth birthday my parents announced that they were splitting up. No surprise there. Neither one of them had been happy for a long time. Again, I just wanted to see my mother enjoying life. At this point she seemed to be in a much better mental state. I later found out that this was due to her finding a new man. I wasn’t shocked whatsoever. She was never good at being alone. I just wish that she would have decided to focus on herself. Because the consequences of her new relationship would change everything. What was to come over the next few months would change my life forever.
It started with some jokes. Then came the inappropriate comments when my mother was in another room. Next thing I knew this new man was talking about sex, not just in front of me, but even in front of my friends. I think you know where this is going… While I was never raped, I had many horrors occur. These acts went on for about a year. I didn’t want anyone to know. I couldn’t tell because reporting these events would mean my mother would lose the one thing that was keeping her happy. So for as long as possible I kept the secret. That is until I found out the biggest news of my young life.
At the age of thirteen I became pregnant. My young relationship had turned into a young pregnancy. I was absolutely terrified. I had not even reached high school yet. How was I supposed to care for a baby?? Not only that but how was I supposed to bring a baby into the mess I was living in? All I knew was that I was going to be a mother. That meant protecting that child no matter the cost.
I will not go into much detail about how I came to report my mothers boyfriend (due to the privacy of others). Lets just say that I had an incredible person risk everything to give me a future. When I reported his crimes to the police I would have never expected my mother to shun me. I did expect her to be shocked. I did not think that she would turn her back on me. She remained at my side the rest of my pregnancy ( I was about 7 months along when I reported). After I had the baby she gave me an ultimatum. I was to either go live with my biological father, or live with her at my grandparents. I knew she was still seeing her boyfriend and knew that I could not bring my son into that situation. I could not stay with my dad either due to his drinking problem. I was blessed enough to have a family member take me in. Solving my problems for a short period of time.
After couch surfing with my infant child for almost a year, CPS finally became involved. Taking me into the foster care system. I was able to keep custody of my son. As well as full control of how I parented him. This was by far the best thing to happen to me in my young life. If this would not have happened who knows where I would be today. Through the foster care system I met the most incredible woman that I now call my mom. From the first day I met her she made me feel loved, my son feel loved, and she led me down the right path.
There were obviously bumps in the road, such as: anxiety, PTSD, dating the wrong people, and much more. But I survived. I made it through my teenage years. I came out a better person because of these events. I came out a better mother.
A glimpse of the present
Now at the age of twenty two I have three beautiful children (8 year old, 2 year old, and a 7 week old). I have an amazing husband that has always stood by my side through thick and thin. I have a full time job with a great company. I really couldn’t ask for anything more as a young adult. But that doesn’t mean that I have worked through all of the trauma that has occurred throughout my life. The last few years have made me realize how my past has truly affected my well-being.
I have dealt with PTSD, and eating disorders as of the last few years. Mostly due to not knowing how to love myself. How can I love myself when some of the most cherished people in my life didn’t show me love? Didn’t want me around? It is definitely not an easy task, I can tell you that much.
I have been trying to incorporate self love into my life the last few years. One of the ways I have done this is through recovering from eating disorders. I have struggled with anorexia and bulimia. These disorders made me feel like I was in control. In control of the way I looked, and felt about myself. Once I realized what I was doing to myself and the people around me I began to realize that it is more important to be healthy and happy rather than “perfect”.
This gave me the motivation not only to teach myself about love, but maybe help some others who are struggling as well. Since beginning my recovery I have always dreamed of sharing my story and hopefully inspiring at least one person. So this is my start. This is my present.
A hopeful future
My hopes in starting this blog is to share my personal experiences with how trauma effects your mind, body and soul. And how to overcome these traumas. How to love yourself, and others. Re-training our minds to be the very best that they can be.
I also hope to build a better future for myself by incorporating love into my everyday life. Even on those days that it feels impossible. So that not only I, but my family, can have a bright future. So lets take this one day at a time!