For the last year I’ve been dealing with the worst anxiety and depression I’ve ever experienced. As many of you know I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and have struggled with eating disorders in the past. Part of coming from a traumatic past is dealing with the hurt and heartbreak that has occurred, apparently even years later.
As many of you know my marriage ended in the last few years. I will not address the entirety of the situation publicly due to his and my kids privacy. But what I will say is it has effected me in more ways than I expected. Our relationship was extremely toxic on both sides. I could no longer put myself or children through the heartbreak of it all.
Once things ended I WORKED on myself. I called myself out in my bullshit and began holding myself accountable. I was happy, free, and thriving. Then I met someone special.
Little did I realize that moving forward and building a new life would be so hard. You see.. I was ready mentally to move forward. At least I thought. But many traumatic events from my past began to haunt me. Including my events from my marriage. Unfortunately the events that occurred were much worse than I let myself feel. The entirety of the situation hit me like a ton of bricks, and ever since, I’ve been fighting. Fighting to relearn behaviors, understand the difference between the truth and what my brain has conjured up, and struggling to feel like MYSELF. The outgoing, open, honest, and strong woman I was (AM) began to disappear. After all of the years of trauma, it finally caught up to me in it’s entirety.
After a year full of struggle, pushing people away, having anxiety attacks that last DAYS at a time, not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, I’ve decided I’m done. I’m done being so mentally exhausted.
I have experienced more in my 24 years on this planet than most people could understand. Unfortunately that comes with some repercussions I have no control over. But there are situations that I CAN control. From here on out I’m going to start letting go and living. I deserve to live a beautiful life. Regardless of the mistakes I’ve made, I know I’m an incredible woman. I take ownership, change, and move forward. So I’m going to continue to do so.
For anyone else that has gone through mental health issues, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Life can feel like a whirlwind of emotions. But you can still be happy. Still love, learn, laugh, and experience a healthy life. But in order for that to happen sometimes you have to get out of your own way, let go of control, and just live.
I’m am blessed with the most beautiful people in my life. I’m blessed with people who love and support me. And most of all I’m blessed to even be living half the life that I have after my trauma.
So I’m going to keep pushing forward like I always have. Think what you want about me, listen to what others say behind my back, and go ahead and judge. But I’m going to keep living regardless.
You’ll be seeing more of my face. ❤️ Here’s to letting go and letting life just happen.